In anticipation of the season five premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race, the NSFW blog OMG Blog listed 10 tips to winning.
So we decided to share their rules and throw in a our comments and a few extra just for laughs. "Gentlemen, start your engines, and may the best woman win!"
1) Know How to Sew - Not knowing how to sew scuttled both Shangela and Jiggly caliente in different seasons. Learn to sew or don't even go!
2) Keep Your Hair and Shoes On - For the love of God, everyone... stop tearing off your wigs and heels during the lip synch. Keep the illusion alive and save the undressing for the back-alley cat fight after the show.
3) Never Impersonate Lady Gaga for the Snatch Game - She may be a fierce monster mother, but the Lady just ain't funny. And also, stop trying to do Joan Crawford too. Everyone sucks when they try her.
4) Drag is Not a Contact Sport - Unless you're wrestling in a drag tag team event, don't pick up your competitor in a Lip Synch for Your Life. Mimi did it, and she looked like a desperate little ham as a result.
5) Don't Take the Judge's Criticisms Too Hard - If you pull a Shannel and take the judges' critiques too much to heart, you'll end up a frustrated weepy mess asking the judges to kick you off. Shit was sad.
6) If You Have To Lip Synch, Memorize the Words - Mouthing the words "Watermelon, watermelon, alligator food" will only get you so far in a lip synch. If your lips aren't with it, chances are your mind, heart and legs ain't either.
7) Do NOT Keep RuPaul Waiting - In season one, Rebecca Glasscock nearly slept through the entire last episode. But it's Ru's fault for letting that hot mess get to the top three in the first place.
8) Don't Break the Rules - We're Looking at you Willam Belli - having sex with your boyfriend and then vomiting on stage are verboten!
9) Never Wear Green - If the gangrenous color didn't work for Madame LaQueer, it won't work for you either, hunty.
10) When In Doubt Turn It Out - Instead of freaking out or stripping in a lip synch for your life, just dance your ass off Jiggly caliente style. Now that girl could move!
Personally, we'd add the following tips:
11) Actually Follow the Judges' Suggestions - Sometimes those cruel bitches are actually right. And if you do take their advice, point it out. Who doesn't like having their ass kissed from time to time?
12) Always Choose Over-the-Top Costumes - If the challenge asks you to dress up as a superhero or a theme idea, go crazy! If Ru wanted subtlety and realism in her girls, she would have accepted straight accountants rather that fierce queens. Get with it!
13) Flailing Around on Stage Never Helps You Win a Lip Synch - You hear us Kenya Michaels and Yara Sofia? Jumping and rolling around onstage like a jungle cat does nothing to enhance your performance.
14) Have a Sob Story - RuPaul, the judges and the viewers all love getting a little misty-eyed over stories of rejection, bullying and heartache. We're not saying to fake it, but at least make that pain work for you!
15) Don't Be a Complete Jerk - The only queen who ever won after nearly an entire season of acting like a bastard was season two's Tyra Sanchez... and where is she today? Exactly.
16) Stop Saying "Realness" - During the runway segment the queens always say that they're serving up "such-and-such realness." Um, "realness" refers to passing as an actual person who could blend in with the public, not a huge man dressed in sequins and hooker heels carrying a pooper scooper, m'kay?
17) Don't Always Try To Win Mini-Challenges - Often the winners of mini-challenges get screwed over by having to be a team captain, making them responsible for an entire team. Instead, play it cool and shine big in a small role.
18) Never Say You Have A Theater Background - Ever notice how the queens who claim to have a "theater" or "dance" background usually suck at whatever acting or choreo challenge they get? Yeah, usually having a background just means that they're a diva.
19) Stop Interrupting Guests Judges - If Ru invites a director or photographer to help you polish your act, stop disagreeing with all their comments and telling them why you're not following their instructions. They are professionals; you are a reality TV show contestant.
20) Have an Angle - Like Sharon Needles and Latrice Royale, it helps to have a schtick to fall back on when the creativity runs dry, whether that's doing horror glam or just acting large and in charge.