On The Colbert Report Monday, Stephen Colbert tackled the historic news that Pope Benedict XVI will resign at the end of the month — the first pope to voluntarily step down in more than 700 years. Noting that he started his day by reading a Huffington Post headline that simply stated "Pope Out," Colbert was aghast.
"Naturally, I was shocked," says Colbert. "The pope came out of the closet? I mean, it makes sense. The guys hasn't had a girlfriend in, like, forever. And he's a total catch."
Watch Colbert's analysis of the pope's resignation, including his assumption that as Catholic cardinals select a new pope, they're likely to signal their decision by the traditional smoke rising from a chimney in the Sistine Chapel. Colbert notes that while black smoke signifies the cardinals have not made a decision, white smoke signals a new pope selected, and "I assume slacker pope is [signaled by] bong smoke."
Colbert then turns to the Papal Speculatron 7500 to consider candidates to take over the papacy, including Ghana's Cardinal Peter Turkson, a priest who has reportedly supported efforts in Africa to further criminalize homosexuality, including legislation like Uganda's so-called kill the gays bill, which would prescribe the death penalty for some LGBT people.
Watch Colbert's power rant on the papacy below.